thinks

im tired, and it's late, but my head is relentless with the thinking. it's like a leaky faucet, dripping thinks about the past, and the middle. you know, the here and now. i've thought about the future, and what i might like to do with my life then. the long and short of it all. id like to be married one day. its a moderately medium term goal and all. all those kinds of thinks.

i was on a journy to find beauty in everything and everywhere for the last few months, but most of my leaky thinks have been about the special parts of my journey lately. the ones that have helped me become whatever im becoming. even more than that, my thinks have been about the moments when i was most happy. the ones where time stopped. sometimes it stopped for just long enough to take my breath away, others were long. long enough to talk about the nature of things, and wonder at why God would let something magical, like a shooting star, pass over at such and such a moment in six thousand years or so... even if only a couple people saw it.

those thinks make you feel small. so you have thinks that make you feel small, and then the heartache thinks that make you feel like the only one alive. at least, you're the only one alive enough to understand how it hurts. the thinks about what you might have changed, and maybe if you'd only think'd of this or that, a few moments before, how it might have made things end differently. thinks about what could have been, and how a kiss or a gentle word might have stopped the way the future keeps on moving.

its so sad, the way things turn out. stuck in the middle of it all, holding your chest, and wondering if your heart can afford to be broken one more time. it's tough imaging the moments were worth it. those ones that make you feel so small, and even the ones that make you feel like you're the only one alive. its tough wondering if those moments, responsible for all those thinks, were worth it.

but they were...

benjamin button said that life is defined by the oppotunities that we have, even the ones we miss. i hope that im part of so many beautiful moments i cant remember them all. i hope i take more opportunities than i let pass me by, even if my heart races and my hands shake. even if they fill my stomach with butterflies. even if they keep me up at night, and even if they hurt.