so, here i sit. 1:34 am and still much to do before i retire. i started a blog in december of last year. i wrote a few blogs that were never published. thats, mostly, how i handle things in my life. they dont get finished. im improving, but i relapse from time to time. its a constant struggle, you see.

im not sure why im writing tonight. i have to wait for a dvd to aurthor before i can sleep, and i have nothing to do in the mean time. i like to write things that people will tell me are very good. i like to hear those things, you see. i can admit that to you. i like for people to think im cool, and that the things i do are worth something. i struggle alot, but im bothered by my need for acceptance the most. maybe one day ill get over it, but probably not.

i wonder what it might be like to live a life without trying to impress friends or girls. what might it be like if i didnt care what people thought of me? most people associate that mindset with tenacity and ambition. i dont think Jesus was ambitious in our society's sense of the word. Jesus didnt care what people thought about his career in photography or the ministry. i think Jesus just cared about people. all he really wanted for them, is to know that he loved them, and that he didn't want to see them hurting... physically or spiritually, and especially not in an eternal sense. i almost revised that sentence because it was too wordy and made me seem unintelligent. its constant, you see.

maybe one day ill have a handle, but until then, ill just do my best.

a year ago, when i made the blog, it was to encourage me to shoot more often. i shot this photo today, it was for my portfolio... it isnt going to make the cut. ill work on it, and maybe the next version will. enjoy.